Never breaking 2000 calories and I've lost ZERO pounds.
Last Tuesday I visited with my ridiculously-hot physician speaking with her about getting on something to try and "jump-start" my metabolism. She prescribed - after my pushing - Adipex; 30 day initial trial, as well as my commitment to exercise as my knees allow. Did I mention she's world-class beautiful? If only she had a twin sister to sit-in for her husband so Doc and I could take a vacation. :-)
Anywho - I digress.
Adipex - I feel wired. Generally most of the time. My 'give-a-shit' dropped to about zero. My sleep patterns are altered - I'm sleeping about 4-5 hours each night since. No, in the past four days of taking it I have lost zero pounds - with daily calorie intake of 1000 or less. I will try upping my water intake to try and lose water weight at least. Any movement would be encouraging.
My temper is a little quicker - parts of me a little softer :( - though I suppose I will have little need of certain parts while I'm this fat.
How fat? 252lbs. - according to my scale. Makes me horridly depressed. To that end, I'm going through more weaning - using a system other than cold-turkey. I'm convinced the Effexor is jacking with my body; encouraging my body to hold onto fat. Stupid Effexor, stupid body.
31 May 2014
16 May 2014
Babies and bathwater
Tossing the Bay out, with the bathwater is a phrase used to describe tossing out something GOOD when getting rid of something bad.
Wikipedia tells us: This idiom derives from a German proverb, das Kind mit dem Bade ausschütten. The earliest record of this phrase is in 1512, in Narrenbeschwörung (Appeal to Fools) by Thomas Murner; and this book includes a woodcut illustration showing a woman tossing a baby out with waste water
In the past 18 months I learned to be truly happy with
who I am. Part of that comes from Efexor
- an anti-depressant. Now - the good
aspects of its use are my ability to escape feeling overwhelmed from day-to-day
things normally barely cause for a 2 second curse under my breath. The worst aspect is my weight gain. I started weaning myself a week ago - but as
a result, after a solid 10 days of strict calorie control I've lost a net of
'zero' pounds. I will push through
because I liked myself a lot better then.
Wikipedia tells us: This idiom derives from a German proverb, das Kind mit dem Bade ausschütten. The earliest record of this phrase is in 1512, in Narrenbeschwörung (Appeal to Fools) by Thomas Murner; and this book includes a woodcut illustration showing a woman tossing a baby out with waste water
Initially this post was called
'square one' - but the implication that any progress or work was for naught is
misleading. Yes, physically I'm a
disaster, the past nearly 18 months my body degraded. Like a roller-coaster, though, I'm back in
the game as much as I can.
To catch up - Me and my wife's divorce is imminent. A very-good-news story, however. I am more than ready to move on and break
away. She and I are using a mediator to
facilitate the divorce. The process is
slow, but it's going.
:-)
12 January 2013
Letter to my kids
Three years ago I penned a letter to my kids; as I approached my 37th Birthday. I'm 40 now...but the words here still bring tears to my eyes; the thoughts expressed are from my heart of hearts...Darin
Dear Alaina, Dear Ethan,
Today I'm just about one month from my 37th Birthday. Thirty-Seven. You may not appreciate the fact or be able to understand the fact the number thirty-seven, as it applies to my age, seemed impossible just a few short years ago. I clearly remember thirty years ago, turning 7. Thirty years. Just saying that to myself makes me feel old.
People say, all the time, how time flies. They say time passes quickly. I'm here to tell you that's only partially true. In hindsight, sure - seems like yesterday. But while I was doing the living, a lot went on.
In the thirty years since I turned seven the world has changed, and obviously I have changed. Showing how prices for things have changed is easy. Did you know in 1979 the:
Average Cost of new house $58,100.00 - This year the average home cost $290,000 Average Income per year $17,500.00 - Now it's about $55,000 Cost of a gallon of Gas 86 cents - Now it's nearly $3.00 Sony Walkman $200.00 - today they are obsolete, but we can buy MP3 players for $10.
Your Dad has changed a lot, too. Since December of 1979 I've grown perhaps double my height. I've gained 150lbs. I've lived in 2 other countries, other than the USA. I've slept in many different locations; benches, floors, bathtubs, standing up, on a cot, in a hammock over a cot, on a Bradley Fighting Vehicle, inside a HMMWV (Hum-vee) (once or twice while driving), while resting my head on a machine gun, sitting on an empty ammunition crate in a concrete 'shack' barely large enough for a single person, in a tent, on a school desk, on a waterbed, on many airplanes, on a boat, and once or twice in a bus or train station.
I've grown from the youngest of four boys - always the runt - into the tallest.
I've had my heart broken because the love of my life loved another person. I've had to find a new love of my life. No matter how many times my heart has been broken, it's healed - and I've found somebody who made me feel even better.
I've seen the sun rise and set in the mountains of Germany, walked the night streets in Paris, Berlin, Moscow, Tokyo, and Los Angeles.
I've been too hungry to see straight, too full to move from the table, too drunk to stand, too nervous to sit still, too scared to move. I've eaten things that scared me. I've eaten things that hurt my mouth going in, and destroyed my...other parts...coming out. Ask your mom about the Double Pepperoni, Bacon, and Jalapeno pizza.
I've held the hand of a person I thought was going to die any moment, encouraging him to hang on. There were times I wanted to die only to have people hold MY hand and tell me to keep going.
One day I did more than 1000 push-ups.
Through everything I've seen, done, tasted, ran from, ran towards; of the relationships I've had, lost, destroyed, and created, one thing has driven me. I've wanted to make my mark on this world.
The simple truth is, some day, sooner or later, everyone's body ends up in a box, buried in the ground. Someday, beyond your current ability to see, you too will be old, wrinkled, white-haired, and frail. One day, your loved ones will stand by and watch as they lower your casket into the earth and place a tombstone above where your body rests. People use tombstones to not just mark the place somebody is buried, they use tombstones as a permanent monument and marker of the person buried there. The tombstone lets all who pass know you once lived.
I beg of you children. I plead with you. Do NOT let the piece of rock above your grave be your mark on this world - not your only mark. It's my desire to have my mark be inside the hearts and minds of you two who, next to your mom, are the most-important people I've had the pleasure of knowing and loving. See, my dad once said the only thing that really matters in our deaths is the legacy - is the history - we've left in the hearts of those around us while we were alive.
Alaina - you are so passionate and caring. You are sensitive and enthusiastic about life. I won't be able to protect your heart from the pain you'll go through as you learn to love others differently than how you love your family. Boys will be your biggest trouble and greatest reward. You will reach out and give your heart to one, and he'll destroy you. For a time. After that time, you will heal, and be stronger for the experience. Your capacity to love is limitless; once you figure it out, you'll find your love a POWERFUL part of your personality. You will bless the lives of so many people, you'll lose count.
Ethan - your desire for doing the right thing is amazing. You are the Champion. You stick up for the weak. Your ability to see right from wrong will develop you into a great leader of men and women. You will choose the hard-right over the easy-wrong. You will have a very hard time learning who to trust, because you give everyone a chance. As you are learning already, there are some people around your age who cannot be trusted with your friendship - they don't know how to be a friend in return. Don't lose heart, Son. Your circle of friends will change as you age. You will learn to seek out those who return your loyal friendship.
In the next thirty years you kids will sleep in crazy places. If I have my way, you both will do a LOT of push-ups. Joining the Military was my transport from my life in Renton to the life we share now. The military opened my eyes to the world and showed me all that is possible with hard work, prayer, love, and courage. No matter the amount of schooling, there are lessons in leaving which cannot be duplicated in the classroom. Not only do I know what the fountains in Paris LOOK like, I know how cold the water is. I know the feeling of the stones under my feet as I walk down the roads and sidewalks in Moscow. I navigated a dust storm in Iraq. I've smelled the air passing by a bagel shop in New York City. As you grow - as you travel through your life, you will love, suffer, and eventually triumph. You will grow physically and spiritually and mentally. You will walk the streets of exotic cities. The Army took me to a starry night in the middle of a field, laying on top of a tank staring up at the sky through night vision goggles watching a meteor shower and realizing right then how very small I was in this universe, and how very powerful God must be to have made this place for us. Kids, find YOUR transport.
You will learn what to eat, and how much. You will learn what to drink, and how much.
You will learn the joy - joy isn't enough of a word - you will experience the magical goose bumps across your body the first time you look into the eyes of your child. You'll feel the tears in your eyes start to drop when you have to give your kid a spanking. You'll learn the pain in your heart as you do whatever it takes to NOT run to your child the first time they fall and skin their knee. You will watch with pride as your child learns to pick himself up, or herself up, and keep trying.
What's in store for ME in the next thirty years? Wow. I'm not sure I want to think about it. See, in the next thirty years I will, for the last time, walk MY girl Alaina down an aisle and give her in marriage to another man; she'll be HIS Alaina then. I will stand beside my son as he takes a wife. I will be in the waiting room while my daughter and her husband experience childbirth. I will stand beside my Son as he holds his daughter for the first time. I'll look him in the eye and see, finally, he GETS IT when he hears the term "Daddy's Girl".
In the next thirty years I'll have more gray hair than brown. In the next thirty years I'll get slower and weaker. In the next thirty years I'll get hard of hearing. My body will start to break down. Within 40 years, fifty tops, chances are I'll leave this body and go on to be with Jesus in heaven. When that happens, when the day comes you kids and your families stand by as my body is lowered into the earth, please know the tombstone you place above my grave is ultimately of no matter or no comparison to the mark I hope to have made in your lives. Know that you two are my crowning achievement in life, and under no circumstances could I ever be more proud of you.
Love, Dad.
Dear Alaina, Dear Ethan,
Today I'm just about one month from my 37th Birthday. Thirty-Seven. You may not appreciate the fact or be able to understand the fact the number thirty-seven, as it applies to my age, seemed impossible just a few short years ago. I clearly remember thirty years ago, turning 7. Thirty years. Just saying that to myself makes me feel old. People say, all the time, how time flies. They say time passes quickly. I'm here to tell you that's only partially true. In hindsight, sure - seems like yesterday. But while I was doing the living, a lot went on.
In the thirty years since I turned seven the world has changed, and obviously I have changed. Showing how prices for things have changed is easy. Did you know in 1979 the:
Average Cost of new house $58,100.00 - This year the average home cost $290,000 Average Income per year $17,500.00 - Now it's about $55,000 Cost of a gallon of Gas 86 cents - Now it's nearly $3.00 Sony Walkman $200.00 - today they are obsolete, but we can buy MP3 players for $10.
Your Dad has changed a lot, too. Since December of 1979 I've grown perhaps double my height. I've gained 150lbs. I've lived in 2 other countries, other than the USA. I've slept in many different locations; benches, floors, bathtubs, standing up, on a cot, in a hammock over a cot, on a Bradley Fighting Vehicle, inside a HMMWV (Hum-vee) (once or twice while driving), while resting my head on a machine gun, sitting on an empty ammunition crate in a concrete 'shack' barely large enough for a single person, in a tent, on a school desk, on a waterbed, on many airplanes, on a boat, and once or twice in a bus or train station.
I've grown from the youngest of four boys - always the runt - into the tallest.
I've had my heart broken because the love of my life loved another person. I've had to find a new love of my life. No matter how many times my heart has been broken, it's healed - and I've found somebody who made me feel even better.
I've seen the sun rise and set in the mountains of Germany, walked the night streets in Paris, Berlin, Moscow, Tokyo, and Los Angeles.
I've been too hungry to see straight, too full to move from the table, too drunk to stand, too nervous to sit still, too scared to move. I've eaten things that scared me. I've eaten things that hurt my mouth going in, and destroyed my...other parts...coming out. Ask your mom about the Double Pepperoni, Bacon, and Jalapeno pizza.
I've held the hand of a person I thought was going to die any moment, encouraging him to hang on. There were times I wanted to die only to have people hold MY hand and tell me to keep going.
One day I did more than 1000 push-ups.
Through everything I've seen, done, tasted, ran from, ran towards; of the relationships I've had, lost, destroyed, and created, one thing has driven me. I've wanted to make my mark on this world.
The simple truth is, some day, sooner or later, everyone's body ends up in a box, buried in the ground. Someday, beyond your current ability to see, you too will be old, wrinkled, white-haired, and frail. One day, your loved ones will stand by and watch as they lower your casket into the earth and place a tombstone above where your body rests. People use tombstones to not just mark the place somebody is buried, they use tombstones as a permanent monument and marker of the person buried there. The tombstone lets all who pass know you once lived.
I beg of you children. I plead with you. Do NOT let the piece of rock above your grave be your mark on this world - not your only mark. It's my desire to have my mark be inside the hearts and minds of you two who, next to your mom, are the most-important people I've had the pleasure of knowing and loving. See, my dad once said the only thing that really matters in our deaths is the legacy - is the history - we've left in the hearts of those around us while we were alive.
Alaina - you are so passionate and caring. You are sensitive and enthusiastic about life. I won't be able to protect your heart from the pain you'll go through as you learn to love others differently than how you love your family. Boys will be your biggest trouble and greatest reward. You will reach out and give your heart to one, and he'll destroy you. For a time. After that time, you will heal, and be stronger for the experience. Your capacity to love is limitless; once you figure it out, you'll find your love a POWERFUL part of your personality. You will bless the lives of so many people, you'll lose count.
Ethan - your desire for doing the right thing is amazing. You are the Champion. You stick up for the weak. Your ability to see right from wrong will develop you into a great leader of men and women. You will choose the hard-right over the easy-wrong. You will have a very hard time learning who to trust, because you give everyone a chance. As you are learning already, there are some people around your age who cannot be trusted with your friendship - they don't know how to be a friend in return. Don't lose heart, Son. Your circle of friends will change as you age. You will learn to seek out those who return your loyal friendship.
In the next thirty years you kids will sleep in crazy places. If I have my way, you both will do a LOT of push-ups. Joining the Military was my transport from my life in Renton to the life we share now. The military opened my eyes to the world and showed me all that is possible with hard work, prayer, love, and courage. No matter the amount of schooling, there are lessons in leaving which cannot be duplicated in the classroom. Not only do I know what the fountains in Paris LOOK like, I know how cold the water is. I know the feeling of the stones under my feet as I walk down the roads and sidewalks in Moscow. I navigated a dust storm in Iraq. I've smelled the air passing by a bagel shop in New York City. As you grow - as you travel through your life, you will love, suffer, and eventually triumph. You will grow physically and spiritually and mentally. You will walk the streets of exotic cities. The Army took me to a starry night in the middle of a field, laying on top of a tank staring up at the sky through night vision goggles watching a meteor shower and realizing right then how very small I was in this universe, and how very powerful God must be to have made this place for us. Kids, find YOUR transport.
You will learn what to eat, and how much. You will learn what to drink, and how much. You will learn the joy - joy isn't enough of a word - you will experience the magical goose bumps across your body the first time you look into the eyes of your child. You'll feel the tears in your eyes start to drop when you have to give your kid a spanking. You'll learn the pain in your heart as you do whatever it takes to NOT run to your child the first time they fall and skin their knee. You will watch with pride as your child learns to pick himself up, or herself up, and keep trying.
What's in store for ME in the next thirty years? Wow. I'm not sure I want to think about it. See, in the next thirty years I will, for the last time, walk MY girl Alaina down an aisle and give her in marriage to another man; she'll be HIS Alaina then. I will stand beside my son as he takes a wife. I will be in the waiting room while my daughter and her husband experience childbirth. I will stand beside my Son as he holds his daughter for the first time. I'll look him in the eye and see, finally, he GETS IT when he hears the term "Daddy's Girl".
In the next thirty years I'll have more gray hair than brown. In the next thirty years I'll get slower and weaker. In the next thirty years I'll get hard of hearing. My body will start to break down. Within 40 years, fifty tops, chances are I'll leave this body and go on to be with Jesus in heaven. When that happens, when the day comes you kids and your families stand by as my body is lowered into the earth, please know the tombstone you place above my grave is ultimately of no matter or no comparison to the mark I hope to have made in your lives. Know that you two are my crowning achievement in life, and under no circumstances could I ever be more proud of you.
Love, Dad.
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