Who am I?

Venting here - not a call to be cheered up; i know my immediate feelings will pass.  I have up days and down days.

Today someone asked me "Who are you?"

Who am I?  I started to answer that question with stats and data and I found my answer inadequate. 
I am not my job and I am not the duties I take upon myself nor my obligations.  I am not what I drive or where I live or if I am all of those things I am not regulated to the constants or habits in my life.

As I replied to the person who asked,  I'm a dreamer. Lover. Friend. Because I am scared I take action. I am vulnerable and lust for approval and acceptance. I would rather make a friend than prove a point. I do not like rejection for if others do not like me, how can I like myself? 

I have in my mind's eye the picture of where I want to be and with whom.  I envision a time where Darin is a man.  Strong and secure and sound in judgment and decision. 

Any excitement in my life stimulates and feeds my longing to know and feel more and feel those things deeper and richer with greater understanding and appreciation.  For that reason I act when others ponder.  For that reason I tread with purpose and deliberately towards my heart's desires.  Except when have those desires been met?   Settling or compromise destroys me.  Yet I tend to settle and excuse-away wants and needs. 

Another person said to me "Darin, I want your life".

I graciously accepted the compliment but keep secret the other conditions involved with my life.  To have my life one needs shoulders to carry my insecurity and fears. 

Here's the deal.  Bottom line near the bottom:

I want life and love - the most-important parts of those things to be EASY. E.A.S.Y.  I don't deserve easy, but I strive for Easy.  Love me because i forget to pick up my clothes off the floor.  Love me for wasting money on tokens of love - beyond their symbolism worthless, but endearing.  Love me for my crazy mind. Love me for my stream-of-consciousness thought process.  Love me for brainstorming aloud my answer to any problem.  Relax your body, laying into me knowing at some point, no matter how solemn the occasion, I just MIGHT make a pass at you.  Or cop a feel.

Know this about me and love this about me.  I am intense.  I am emotionally a little bit or a lot high maintenance. 

I wish I loved that about me.

Today's food - yes, an entire bottle of wine for dinner.

Bonus pics - my children; photo taken yesterday at the Henry Ford Museum.  And a photo of me, taken by my daughter, riding a 1913 Carousel.

 

Three week check-up!

Based on the fitness evaluation I took 8 Aug I offer my measurments as of yesterday. New numbers in bold.


8 Aug/30 Aug

Weight: 230 / 224

Waist - around belly button: 44 / 42
Hips - 45 42.5
BMI 30.8 / 29.7
body Fat 28.8% / 27.8

Day of Thunder

The contemporary name comes from the Old English Þunresdæg, "Thunor's Day" (with loss of -n-, first in northern dialects, from influence of Old Norse Þorsdagr, meaning "Thor's Day"). Thunor and Thor are derived from the Proto-Germanic god Thunraz, god of thunder, while German Donnerstag is derived from Donar (see Donar Oak).


Thanks Wikipedia.

Today I brought thunder to my arms and shoulders.  My abs and core are a piece of work, too. I can feel the muscles swollen this very minute.  I can feel the burn and the burn is good. I've never-before used that sentence in any context.

 

Random Photo:  Me hugging my daughter, circa 2011.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wednesday Whine-day

Whining ruled the day.  Holy. COW! Sore.  I was not able to complete the 4 sets Miss Erin planned
for me, but I don't mind.  By the end of the third set I was wrecked.  Walking back from the fitness center I could barely reach into the break-room fridge for my Myoplex drink.  I had T-Rex arms all day.

I am changing - at least as of this week.  Again I felt almost powerful today.  My mindset brought me projections of strength, security, capability.  This fitness stuff really does work to heal emotional/mental stresses. 

Big changes in my life.  I face them.  Standing.

Today's menu:

 

 

Harvested a bit from the garden today! Zuchinni, Watermelons, cherry tomatoes, romas, jalapenos, cubanelle, banana peppers, green peppers, and a pickling cucumber.

 

 

Fat Tuesday

Except i'm not so fat anymore! :)

Woot!
Second consecutive day of feeling REALLY good (Feel me, you'll see).

I ate WAY TOO MUCH today - I treated myself to a Bowl Noodle.  YUM.  Thing is - it's been several months for me - and not since my new diet.

From 30 mins to 7 hours after eating, every 90 minutes was in the WC.  Ugh. Painful day for me.

Tonite I remain bloated-feeling.  Not gonna look at the scale tomorrow - will work out according to Miss Erin's instructions and weigh again maybe saturday morning.

Today's menu:

Random Photo: Circa 2005. Ethan and Me in my 93 Miata, FredMeyer Parking lot, Puyallup, WA - if I recall. :)

 



 

 



Monday Funday

GREAT workout designed by the beautiful and incomparable Miss Erin (yes, I have a bit of an innocent crush) has my chest and shoulders torn the heck-up.  I feel...AWESOME.  Feel me - you'll see.

Today I'm sexy.  Today I'm powerful. Today, to steal a word from T.O. "I loves me, some ME!"

I can't explain exactly why I feel unstoppable.   I suspect the endorphines from the work out burn or maybe my feeling originates from the enorphines from the burn and my mental image.  While I notice my flaws I see more of my strengths, every day.  Every day.

 

 

 

So - randomness....my daughter singing along with

She Daisy.  Circa 2005

 

 



 

Lazy Sunday

Today's plans for yard work didnt happen - not much.  I magnaged to rest-up well, did a little Madden12, and dumbbell curls.  Feeling pumped.  I can feel my biceps growing - and my triceps are displaying signs of life.  I really enojy the burn now.  I haven't had this much burn since I spent six weeks in Thailand - and that was for different reasons.  :(

Today I feel GREAT.  I feel attractive and kinda cute.  I feel the light at the end of the tunnel. I am picturing a me with at least a passible body.  I'll get there. 

Today's food:

 Today's "Eww!!!'  Found a nest of Bald-faced Hornets.  Very aggressive...gonna nuke them this week.

Great saturday

Beautiful day here in SE Michigan.  Today's workload involved fixing our aging zero-turn mower, then...mowing.  I also spent time treating the pool.   We have a couple-4? maybe acres of grass to mow, and a very slow mower.  I stopped a few times to get the trimmer going, and start our burn pile.

Tomorrow is more of the same; really enjoyed being outdoors today!

Missed a day

Today's Menu

Missed yesterday because - well...frankly I had  a terrible day and wasn't feelin' it.  Nothing terrible fitness wise - was able to eat okay and all that.  I am in a great place mentally. Still hovering around 225lbs.  Two days ago I tried my first self-portraits.  I stood shirtless in my barn and snapped about 30 pics.  Seeing my body in those pics caused nausea within me.  More than that - deep depression and loss of hope.  For that day only.  Today, I feel I can actually DO this thing.  I no longer feel like a victim to my fatness.

I'm starting to write again - writing helps me focus.

A side note - feeling...how you say???uh?? Vigorous lately?  Also feeling my muscles now - as I flex my arms and chest. Am growing in that regard, for sure.


Random Photo:

One pic from my Barn photography of two days ago. 

Big Calorie Day

First - my run of weight 225.x lbs is OVER as of this morning.

:(

But....was 224.8 today! woohooo! Now..I know, I KNOW...I promise I wont cry or whine if it's 225.x again tomorrow...but was thrilling to see!

Today's menu:

Today's chest work out - once again tore me apart.  And I always forget to log the core and leg stuff...hrm.
I'm seeing results in my arms and chest lately.  Feeling muscles again.  Thank you, Miss Erin.

Where am I, mentally with all this.

I am weak. I'm not strong.  I do not have power.  But I'm brave.   And whatever courage I have will sustain me.  Look, a few know my life is, in a word, dramatic.  Gale force winds of BS are lining up to blow through  within the span of a couple months.  I'm counting on my commitment to myself - gawd the selfishness in that statement burns my nose - moves to become my religion and my diversion.

So exciting to see progress.  Secret about me:  I need progress towards 'being better'.  I'm scared of the status quo.  Do I settle for some things?  Sure.  Of course.  But when 'awesome' is right next door - or even 2162.19 miles away...I want to GO GET IT.  My personal awesome is...a year away.  But I want it.  Why do I want it now?  Because I am at my core a lazy man.  Having my awesome body is much easier than earning my hot body.  Geesh...I want something for nothing...see there, my blue-state friends??? I'm a Wall-Street protester at heart! I want something without having paid my dues.

Gawd...Ya know? I'm gonna OWN the laziness in me.  I'm lazy. I'm not proud of it, but I'm lazy.  Now what?  Now?  Right now? I finish my large cup of water + blueberry imitation Mio flavoring...and probably go to bed.  (yawn).

:)



Random Photo:  My daughter aboard a WA State Ferry, circa 2005.

21 August....

Another day of 225lbs! This morning the scale showed 225.2  woot!  Erin's leg work out destroyed me again...I LOVE it :)

Too tired for much more comment...sorry gang...

Here's today's menu:

Random Photo: My puppy, Aoife (pronounced Eve-uh) tonite...running in the back yard.

Oh. Em. Gee. Stuffed -

I hate to feel this way.  Hate is the appropriate word here, as it describes the awful and passionate dislike in my mind.  So, I hit over 1800 calories today.  I'm scared crapless.   Another mistake - having such a huge meal for dinner.  Blah.

Terrible day for me, mentally - after the morning surprise weigh-in.

Tomorrow Miss Erin will have me destroy my legs.  :(  Ugh.


Here's my menu:

Random Photo:  My photo of the big Ash-hole in WA state.

Mt. St.Helens, circa 2007

No - wont call this a milestone...

BUT.....scale showed 225.6lbs today.  That's a number I haven't seen since May of 2011 - post gallbladder surgery...in Iraq.

I have hope again.  At least today.  Tomorrow when I'm likely heavier?  I'll wince a little bit.  But seeing this number gives me a little encouragement.  18 June -when I decided to lose weight the scale told me 242lbs.

Today's grub

yes...I should eat more...really trying to be hungry.

Did about 20 minutes of yard work and dog-walking today...but otherwise rested up.

Today's Cardio....sort of

My daughter: "Daddy, I like the hair from the girl in Hunger Games.  Do mine that way"
Me: "Uh....(fart) what?"
My daughter: "First, we'll teach you how to braid."
Me: "babysteps are good...so is bacon"

My first braid!

My Daughter:  "Ugh, daddy...buy Anti-frizz for me!"

:)

Saturday -

Still struggling with eating.  I'm done today - stuff-full feeling.  Might sneak in a little popcorn later...but meh.

Light stretching today - arms are REALLY feelin it today. 

Good day, mentally - (am Lying, I've been whiney all day because I feel like a terrible person) - looking forward to more yard work tomorrow...MIGHT...just might even sell a car! woot!

:)

Today's menu:

Random Photo:  My daughter, about age...uh...6? going for a ride with Dad. :) 



Friday - Arms day

Today was a good day.  Yes, I have issues and am borderline toxic with my body image.  But...(shrug)..so what.  Baby-steps.  Someday...just someday....I'll be awesome.


Felt like I ate A LOT of food - yet twice felt real hunger pains.  Scale at the gym shows good progress in the last week - about 1.5lbs.  No, not worshiping the scale nor avoiding.  Just checked for curiosity.  And...I'm neurotic. :(


Today's meal list and strength training.  Forgot to add planking and a few leg-curls/lifts.

Plans for the weekend - I'll pick up a set of dumbbells and work arms lightly, and shoulders again.

And...I'll try to eat more fruits/veggies...might go to Tofu and fake-meat products.

Hey folks - I need to figure out a way to express my sincere and overwhelmed sense of appreciation for your constant support and feedback.  Thank you, as two words, don't cut it.

Darin


Random Photo: Peanut Factory, Enterprise AL

So I lied a little bit.

The fair WAS fun yesterday.  In the interest of not-being a big whiner...I left out a large portion.

Now - understand this is NOT a 'please make me feel better' post.  This is a 'window to darin's eff'd up mind' post.  This is where I am - feeling inadquate in most ways.  Feeling worthless.

I'm lost.  I'm broken.  I have no 'game'.  I'm not fun.  I'm not happy. I am completely self-absorbed with my disgust of my body. 

While the kids played the carnival games and rode a few rides, I was constantly searching and scanning.   I wasn't checkin out the ladies.   I was checkin' out the guys - sort of.  Every passing of a man about my age I judged my body against his.  I thought to myself "Why the hell am I eating right now - that guy is in MUCH better shape than I - and HE isn't eating.  What gives me the right to shove food in my cake hole?"

The longer I spent out in public the worse my attitude.  I was agitated.  I was annoyed.  I felt disgusting. 

Today at the gym - thanks to Miss Erin my arms are destroyed.  I worked very hard.  I wanted to quit at THREE circuits of my exercises - instead of four.  I kept rationalizing "Darin - you're so burned right now...man, this is PLENTY...this is good enough!"  With my thoughts of wussing out I shut my eyes and envisioned actually having an attractive body.  I made my mind's eye replace my fat suit with a lean and muscular form.  I struggled - heavily struggled to complete all four circuits.  The final few reps brought laughter as I was absolutely spent.  I gave everything today. 

I said that to say - as good as I felt completing my tasks, every time I rested on a bench for a few seconds I caught glimpse of myself in a mirror across the room. Every time I saw myself I wanted to hide...throw up...cover my body.  Who IS that fat guy over there?  Oh...right...Me.

Should be a no-brainer...fat/un-fit people SHOULD be there.  Right? I mean...Shouldn't I get some credit for working towards fitness?  Everybody starts un-fit.  This is a process, not an event!  C'mon Darin...somewhere somebody probably even thinks you're sorta cute!

Big. Deal.  I'm broken.  I must and I will fix my body, my mind, and my 'heart'.  As much as I want to quit today, I will keep going.  I hate it.  I hate most things about me.  That's fine.  that's good motivation to DO someething.  I'm doing something.  Not enough.  But what I'm doing is all I have right now.

Random Photo:  My children standing on a dock, over Cub Lake - central Michigan.

I escaped Fair Food!! Mostly... :(

...out to the local fair this evening.

But - check this...last night I was suffering from some allergy-stuff...took HALF of my prescription pill....

Slept from about 2100 - till 0740 this morning.  I came out to email work and let them know i'd be late.  Back to the bedroom - just laid on the bed for an eye-blink...woke up and it was three hours later.

That's a lot of sleep for me - typical is about 5.5hrs.

About 4:30 we hit the fair.  I found beef tips and veggies - the others had an Elephant Ear and a crap load of ...terrible stuff.
So - will be up late tonight.  There's goodness there, too - tomorrow I do Erin's Arm destruction.

My food for the day:

Random Pic:  Kids at the fair tonight - riding a camel:

Yay! I pigged out today :(

Eating the amount of food I consumed today should be a sign I am off the wagon.   Now, on paper - or online - 14xx Calories for a 39y/o, 6'1", 227.x lbs man creates no imagery of gluttony.   I am broken, though, mentally/emotionally due to my addiction to food.  I know calories are the enemy - however I will remain steadfast with my trust in my trainer, friends and support group.

Today's Food/Fitness log:

The fitness portion, as you can see, lists as leg-centric.  Note the final entry?  Erin I love ya to death, really do.  But...My legs are as out of shape - or worse - like the rest of me.   Lots of 'omg i hate her' thoughts - followed by 'I want to quit' followed by "NO! You will NOT quit until you have a hot body"

By "hot" I'm referencing a high subjective rating of attractiveness, especially by the opposite sex - not physical temperature....it's a homonym... :-)


OH! On the scale - which I hate - front.  227.4 this am.  229.0 about twenty mins ago.   I'm not worried about the specific numbers - I'm longing for a downward trend of SOME sort.  :)


Random Photo: On the left - taken January 2010 at my heaviest of about 258.  The right - May 2011, about 227.