Screw you Kenny Chesney

This video - specifically the song from this video plays on repeat via Media Player.  The lyrics haunt me. 

The course of my life steers me towards death without answers to the most important question perhaps faced by mankind and at least the most important question facing this kind man.

Where to I fit? 

That question stems from questions of purpose.  Meaning of life. 

Is my desire to seriously and with purpose connect to a woman a weakness or strength?  I suppose the desire for connections transcends my desires for intimacy and emotional foundation.  I feel the same, but different, towards friends.  Those in my life who know me most. 

My heart - if you will, because I realize this has nothing to do with my actual heart but everything to do with my mind; and the products of my environment both as a youth and now as an oldish guy - drifts seeking connection.  Seeking true and pure and wonderfully fulfilling intimacy.  

My drive for true and pure and wonderful intimacy leads me to crazy places.  My desire to matter; my desire to be special to somebody; specifically a woman, probably rises; i'm sure it rises from what I consider a failed child-mother relationship.  As the youngest of four, i strive for the spotlight. I grew with strong desires (needs?) of affirmation.  When my brothers were praised I sought praise.  When I was told I couldn't do something because I was too young, I felt not-good-enough.  My closest-in-age brother grew up with me, really.  He and I were childhood playmates more often than not.  I recall the disdain in my throat when He was allowed to do something or go somewhere or partake when that place, activity, or consumption was forbidden to me because and simply because of our physical ages.   I felt always his equal - if you were to ask me.  Outwardly - to my parents - of course that was not the case.    Perhaps I digress...

Today's Menu

Anywho - so, yes...I want validation as worthy,  validation as special - specifically to an intimate partner.  I walk around seeking to connect with most folks who show interest.  The slightest touch can move me to tears.   A solid, earnest body hug - just today from a person I've known but a few days - brought with it immense and powerful emotions in me.  I wanted to collapse into that hug and never, ever let go. I felt safe.  I felt home.  I felt accepted. 

But that person and that moment is gone.  I sit at my computer technically alone.  Family is around the house; but my heart sits here beating and pleading for somebody to come over.  somebody to care.  my heart climbs the walls inside my chest.  My heart screams "I cannot take this bed being any colder".   My heart slams violently against my ribs begging for connection with...anyone.

Tonight's rainbows over part of my yard and barn

With someone.  Nobody has my heart.  My heart is not claimed nor chosen.  I think if I hear, just one more time, how much of a "Great guy!" I am, I just might vomit through my nose.  If again I hear "You'd be any woman's DREAM guy! (but not mine, I don't choose you...but any OTHER woman...sure!)" I very well might implode into a mass of emotions and panic and fall deeply and solidly into an abyss. 

I can not NOT care.  I can not build walls.  I can not detach. 
I'd love to not need intimacy or connection.  Would I really though?  I tell myself every morning "today may be the very day I find happiness; the day I find my heart's home".   How many more days before I have a heart I can call my own - how many more years before I find a heart that calls MY heart 'home'?

Must. Find. It. Or...Zoloft.  :)

Oh..and I ate some stuff today, too.  Or whatever.