Three week check-up!

Based on the fitness evaluation I took 8 Aug I offer my measurments as of yesterday. New numbers in bold.


8 Aug/30 Aug

Weight: 230 / 224

Waist - around belly button: 44 / 42
Hips - 45 42.5
BMI 30.8 / 29.7
body Fat 28.8% / 27.8

Day of Thunder

The contemporary name comes from the Old English Þunresdæg, "Thunor's Day" (with loss of -n-, first in northern dialects, from influence of Old Norse Þorsdagr, meaning "Thor's Day"). Thunor and Thor are derived from the Proto-Germanic god Thunraz, god of thunder, while German Donnerstag is derived from Donar (see Donar Oak).


Thanks Wikipedia.

Today I brought thunder to my arms and shoulders.  My abs and core are a piece of work, too. I can feel the muscles swollen this very minute.  I can feel the burn and the burn is good. I've never-before used that sentence in any context.

 

Random Photo:  Me hugging my daughter, circa 2011.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wednesday Whine-day

Whining ruled the day.  Holy. COW! Sore.  I was not able to complete the 4 sets Miss Erin planned
for me, but I don't mind.  By the end of the third set I was wrecked.  Walking back from the fitness center I could barely reach into the break-room fridge for my Myoplex drink.  I had T-Rex arms all day.

I am changing - at least as of this week.  Again I felt almost powerful today.  My mindset brought me projections of strength, security, capability.  This fitness stuff really does work to heal emotional/mental stresses. 

Big changes in my life.  I face them.  Standing.

Today's menu:

 

 

Harvested a bit from the garden today! Zuchinni, Watermelons, cherry tomatoes, romas, jalapenos, cubanelle, banana peppers, green peppers, and a pickling cucumber.

 

 

Fat Tuesday

Except i'm not so fat anymore! :)

Woot!
Second consecutive day of feeling REALLY good (Feel me, you'll see).

I ate WAY TOO MUCH today - I treated myself to a Bowl Noodle.  YUM.  Thing is - it's been several months for me - and not since my new diet.

From 30 mins to 7 hours after eating, every 90 minutes was in the WC.  Ugh. Painful day for me.

Tonite I remain bloated-feeling.  Not gonna look at the scale tomorrow - will work out according to Miss Erin's instructions and weigh again maybe saturday morning.

Today's menu:

Random Photo: Circa 2005. Ethan and Me in my 93 Miata, FredMeyer Parking lot, Puyallup, WA - if I recall. :)

 



 

 



Monday Funday

GREAT workout designed by the beautiful and incomparable Miss Erin (yes, I have a bit of an innocent crush) has my chest and shoulders torn the heck-up.  I feel...AWESOME.  Feel me - you'll see.

Today I'm sexy.  Today I'm powerful. Today, to steal a word from T.O. "I loves me, some ME!"

I can't explain exactly why I feel unstoppable.   I suspect the endorphines from the work out burn or maybe my feeling originates from the enorphines from the burn and my mental image.  While I notice my flaws I see more of my strengths, every day.  Every day.

 

 

 

So - randomness....my daughter singing along with

She Daisy.  Circa 2005

 

 



 

Lazy Sunday

Today's plans for yard work didnt happen - not much.  I magnaged to rest-up well, did a little Madden12, and dumbbell curls.  Feeling pumped.  I can feel my biceps growing - and my triceps are displaying signs of life.  I really enojy the burn now.  I haven't had this much burn since I spent six weeks in Thailand - and that was for different reasons.  :(

Today I feel GREAT.  I feel attractive and kinda cute.  I feel the light at the end of the tunnel. I am picturing a me with at least a passible body.  I'll get there. 

Today's food:

 Today's "Eww!!!'  Found a nest of Bald-faced Hornets.  Very aggressive...gonna nuke them this week.

Great saturday

Beautiful day here in SE Michigan.  Today's workload involved fixing our aging zero-turn mower, then...mowing.  I also spent time treating the pool.   We have a couple-4? maybe acres of grass to mow, and a very slow mower.  I stopped a few times to get the trimmer going, and start our burn pile.

Tomorrow is more of the same; really enjoyed being outdoors today!

Missed a day

Today's Menu

Missed yesterday because - well...frankly I had  a terrible day and wasn't feelin' it.  Nothing terrible fitness wise - was able to eat okay and all that.  I am in a great place mentally. Still hovering around 225lbs.  Two days ago I tried my first self-portraits.  I stood shirtless in my barn and snapped about 30 pics.  Seeing my body in those pics caused nausea within me.  More than that - deep depression and loss of hope.  For that day only.  Today, I feel I can actually DO this thing.  I no longer feel like a victim to my fatness.

I'm starting to write again - writing helps me focus.

A side note - feeling...how you say???uh?? Vigorous lately?  Also feeling my muscles now - as I flex my arms and chest. Am growing in that regard, for sure.


Random Photo:

One pic from my Barn photography of two days ago. 

Big Calorie Day

First - my run of weight 225.x lbs is OVER as of this morning.

:(

But....was 224.8 today! woohooo! Now..I know, I KNOW...I promise I wont cry or whine if it's 225.x again tomorrow...but was thrilling to see!

Today's menu:

Today's chest work out - once again tore me apart.  And I always forget to log the core and leg stuff...hrm.
I'm seeing results in my arms and chest lately.  Feeling muscles again.  Thank you, Miss Erin.

Where am I, mentally with all this.

I am weak. I'm not strong.  I do not have power.  But I'm brave.   And whatever courage I have will sustain me.  Look, a few know my life is, in a word, dramatic.  Gale force winds of BS are lining up to blow through  within the span of a couple months.  I'm counting on my commitment to myself - gawd the selfishness in that statement burns my nose - moves to become my religion and my diversion.

So exciting to see progress.  Secret about me:  I need progress towards 'being better'.  I'm scared of the status quo.  Do I settle for some things?  Sure.  Of course.  But when 'awesome' is right next door - or even 2162.19 miles away...I want to GO GET IT.  My personal awesome is...a year away.  But I want it.  Why do I want it now?  Because I am at my core a lazy man.  Having my awesome body is much easier than earning my hot body.  Geesh...I want something for nothing...see there, my blue-state friends??? I'm a Wall-Street protester at heart! I want something without having paid my dues.

Gawd...Ya know? I'm gonna OWN the laziness in me.  I'm lazy. I'm not proud of it, but I'm lazy.  Now what?  Now?  Right now? I finish my large cup of water + blueberry imitation Mio flavoring...and probably go to bed.  (yawn).

:)



Random Photo:  My daughter aboard a WA State Ferry, circa 2005.

21 August....

Another day of 225lbs! This morning the scale showed 225.2  woot!  Erin's leg work out destroyed me again...I LOVE it :)

Too tired for much more comment...sorry gang...

Here's today's menu:

Random Photo: My puppy, Aoife (pronounced Eve-uh) tonite...running in the back yard.

Oh. Em. Gee. Stuffed -

I hate to feel this way.  Hate is the appropriate word here, as it describes the awful and passionate dislike in my mind.  So, I hit over 1800 calories today.  I'm scared crapless.   Another mistake - having such a huge meal for dinner.  Blah.

Terrible day for me, mentally - after the morning surprise weigh-in.

Tomorrow Miss Erin will have me destroy my legs.  :(  Ugh.


Here's my menu:

Random Photo:  My photo of the big Ash-hole in WA state.

Mt. St.Helens, circa 2007

No - wont call this a milestone...

BUT.....scale showed 225.6lbs today.  That's a number I haven't seen since May of 2011 - post gallbladder surgery...in Iraq.

I have hope again.  At least today.  Tomorrow when I'm likely heavier?  I'll wince a little bit.  But seeing this number gives me a little encouragement.  18 June -when I decided to lose weight the scale told me 242lbs.

Today's grub

yes...I should eat more...really trying to be hungry.

Did about 20 minutes of yard work and dog-walking today...but otherwise rested up.

Today's Cardio....sort of

My daughter: "Daddy, I like the hair from the girl in Hunger Games.  Do mine that way"
Me: "Uh....(fart) what?"
My daughter: "First, we'll teach you how to braid."
Me: "babysteps are good...so is bacon"

My first braid!

My Daughter:  "Ugh, daddy...buy Anti-frizz for me!"

:)

Saturday -

Still struggling with eating.  I'm done today - stuff-full feeling.  Might sneak in a little popcorn later...but meh.

Light stretching today - arms are REALLY feelin it today. 

Good day, mentally - (am Lying, I've been whiney all day because I feel like a terrible person) - looking forward to more yard work tomorrow...MIGHT...just might even sell a car! woot!

:)

Today's menu:

Random Photo:  My daughter, about age...uh...6? going for a ride with Dad. :) 



Friday - Arms day

Today was a good day.  Yes, I have issues and am borderline toxic with my body image.  But...(shrug)..so what.  Baby-steps.  Someday...just someday....I'll be awesome.


Felt like I ate A LOT of food - yet twice felt real hunger pains.  Scale at the gym shows good progress in the last week - about 1.5lbs.  No, not worshiping the scale nor avoiding.  Just checked for curiosity.  And...I'm neurotic. :(


Today's meal list and strength training.  Forgot to add planking and a few leg-curls/lifts.

Plans for the weekend - I'll pick up a set of dumbbells and work arms lightly, and shoulders again.

And...I'll try to eat more fruits/veggies...might go to Tofu and fake-meat products.

Hey folks - I need to figure out a way to express my sincere and overwhelmed sense of appreciation for your constant support and feedback.  Thank you, as two words, don't cut it.

Darin


Random Photo: Peanut Factory, Enterprise AL

So I lied a little bit.

The fair WAS fun yesterday.  In the interest of not-being a big whiner...I left out a large portion.

Now - understand this is NOT a 'please make me feel better' post.  This is a 'window to darin's eff'd up mind' post.  This is where I am - feeling inadquate in most ways.  Feeling worthless.

I'm lost.  I'm broken.  I have no 'game'.  I'm not fun.  I'm not happy. I am completely self-absorbed with my disgust of my body. 

While the kids played the carnival games and rode a few rides, I was constantly searching and scanning.   I wasn't checkin out the ladies.   I was checkin' out the guys - sort of.  Every passing of a man about my age I judged my body against his.  I thought to myself "Why the hell am I eating right now - that guy is in MUCH better shape than I - and HE isn't eating.  What gives me the right to shove food in my cake hole?"

The longer I spent out in public the worse my attitude.  I was agitated.  I was annoyed.  I felt disgusting. 

Today at the gym - thanks to Miss Erin my arms are destroyed.  I worked very hard.  I wanted to quit at THREE circuits of my exercises - instead of four.  I kept rationalizing "Darin - you're so burned right now...man, this is PLENTY...this is good enough!"  With my thoughts of wussing out I shut my eyes and envisioned actually having an attractive body.  I made my mind's eye replace my fat suit with a lean and muscular form.  I struggled - heavily struggled to complete all four circuits.  The final few reps brought laughter as I was absolutely spent.  I gave everything today. 

I said that to say - as good as I felt completing my tasks, every time I rested on a bench for a few seconds I caught glimpse of myself in a mirror across the room. Every time I saw myself I wanted to hide...throw up...cover my body.  Who IS that fat guy over there?  Oh...right...Me.

Should be a no-brainer...fat/un-fit people SHOULD be there.  Right? I mean...Shouldn't I get some credit for working towards fitness?  Everybody starts un-fit.  This is a process, not an event!  C'mon Darin...somewhere somebody probably even thinks you're sorta cute!

Big. Deal.  I'm broken.  I must and I will fix my body, my mind, and my 'heart'.  As much as I want to quit today, I will keep going.  I hate it.  I hate most things about me.  That's fine.  that's good motivation to DO someething.  I'm doing something.  Not enough.  But what I'm doing is all I have right now.

Random Photo:  My children standing on a dock, over Cub Lake - central Michigan.

I escaped Fair Food!! Mostly... :(

...out to the local fair this evening.

But - check this...last night I was suffering from some allergy-stuff...took HALF of my prescription pill....

Slept from about 2100 - till 0740 this morning.  I came out to email work and let them know i'd be late.  Back to the bedroom - just laid on the bed for an eye-blink...woke up and it was three hours later.

That's a lot of sleep for me - typical is about 5.5hrs.

About 4:30 we hit the fair.  I found beef tips and veggies - the others had an Elephant Ear and a crap load of ...terrible stuff.
So - will be up late tonight.  There's goodness there, too - tomorrow I do Erin's Arm destruction.

My food for the day:

Random Pic:  Kids at the fair tonight - riding a camel:

Yay! I pigged out today :(

Eating the amount of food I consumed today should be a sign I am off the wagon.   Now, on paper - or online - 14xx Calories for a 39y/o, 6'1", 227.x lbs man creates no imagery of gluttony.   I am broken, though, mentally/emotionally due to my addiction to food.  I know calories are the enemy - however I will remain steadfast with my trust in my trainer, friends and support group.

Today's Food/Fitness log:

The fitness portion, as you can see, lists as leg-centric.  Note the final entry?  Erin I love ya to death, really do.  But...My legs are as out of shape - or worse - like the rest of me.   Lots of 'omg i hate her' thoughts - followed by 'I want to quit' followed by "NO! You will NOT quit until you have a hot body"

By "hot" I'm referencing a high subjective rating of attractiveness, especially by the opposite sex - not physical temperature....it's a homonym... :-)


OH! On the scale - which I hate - front.  227.4 this am.  229.0 about twenty mins ago.   I'm not worried about the specific numbers - I'm longing for a downward trend of SOME sort.  :)


Random Photo: On the left - taken January 2010 at my heaviest of about 258.  The right - May 2011, about 227.

14 August - Sit with me awhile

"When the world is insane, you get used to the pain and you don't even know what you feel. And I am like you, all alone and confused, But you know it's not forever." - Unbroken, Goo Goo Dolls

Today I remain unbroken.  I failed what I 'wanted to do' - because I merely 'hoped' to accomplish the Gym today, on an off-day.  Not a set-back but a red flag.  Am I committed to this journey or am I wavering. Perhaps my religious upbringing helps and hinders. I learned the power of faith - good thing.  I learned the agony of guilt -another thing.    The Darin of, say, 2010 would guilt-out at every failed goal.  That Darin would crap his pants, figuratively, and panic when things didn't go according to his plan/goal/hopes.  I'm pretty glad that Darin is gone.

Wavering is not failure.   My damn scale showing TERRIBLE numbers for me is not failure.  Eating a single peanut M&M today is not failure.  Failure is not possible because I will never have success at Fitness, because Fitness is a PROCESS....Fitness is a lifestyle never attainable because the minute one stops trying to reach it; the minute one compromises, they lose it.

I have a long journey ahead - God willing.  I'm beyond blessed to have support from friends and family.

Today's Meals - Too few calories but I felt completely full most of the day.

Random Photo:  Self-portrait circa 2004 and about 215-220lbs

13 Aug - BURN and Eat info

Again Erin came through for me designing a very nice circuit.  You can see what I did this morning; its listed below the food stuff.

Look at all those calories, eh?? :-)

Ugh.

Okay - Erin will wanna kick my ass, but I still weigh myself.  This AM the scale read 229.0bls.  This afternoon, about two hours ago? 229.2lbs.  Whatever it is, it is.

Sunday, 12 Aug food diary

here ya go!

What I 'deserve' - stream of consciousness ranting

The blink of the liquid crystal display carried suspense.  The morning weigh-in.  Dreaded among judgments, assessments, as the complete measure of success or failure.  Second only to the relative snugness of zipped and buttoned Dockers around my waist, morning rites at the "scale of worthiness" dictate moods and force actions.

I stretch and I work my body and fight with my mind against impulses perhaps innate.  I do not crave food - my cravings for food spring from desires to remain alive; no longer are my cravings driven by selfish and ultimately damaging desires for comfort or pleasing tastes.

The final assessment of my transformation rests not in the eyes of myself, but in how I perceive other people's eyes react to me.

My mailbox contains well-wishes and support and guidance.  I am told I deserve 'this' - by 'this' I mean the end result of my work towards fitness.  I respectfully disagree.  My journey to fitness is not a blessed adventure of goodness and light.  The conclusion - the outcome of the work ....the outcome of

Following the footsteps of this direction.  Aiming towards the North Star - finding my way unshackled by the bonds of instant oral fixation/satisfaction.  Deciding to stop being a lazy shit and get off the sofa.  The tears and pain of breaking free from my addiction named 'its just easier to lay here on the couch'.  Those things are not happiness.  If they were, happiness would suck a fat one.   If happiness is feeling the agony of defeat and the impossibility of my quest, happiness is a bitch.

Nothing I do to my body or with my body creates happiness or excitement or joy in my life.  No amount of  muscles or strength or endurance ads one iota to my worth as a man.  As a human.  None of that brings to me - or springs forth from me significant contributions to mankind. I might die as the most physically-fit human in the history of humans.  Doesn't.  Fracking.  Matter.

My measure is not my weight upon the planet - not my weight upon this plastic and silicone and glass machine on my bathroom floor.  The measure of my weight lays not upon whatever I think I deserve in life.  The measure of my impact, long after my footprints have faded from this planet - the measure of..."Did I matter"....will rest solely upon and within the hearts of those I touch softly and love strongly.



Random Photo: Me, 1998, Su-san Ri, South Korea.

missing days of info!

Seems I got lazy!  Below are my calorie sheets for 10 and 11 August.  You can see I'm getting a lot more food in me.  The mental side of increasing my food intake created anxiety.  I'm going to trust the process - no matter how scared I am of eating more.

10 August

11 August

Snacky Time :) - Turkey, Peppers, basil, thyme, balsamic

Within my quest to reach 2000+ calories per day I came up with a turkey-based fajita of sorts.

• Mixed turkey meat
• Sliced yellow peppers
• chopped banana peppers
• 2table spoons olive oil
• chopped onion
• balsamic vinegar
• diced tomatoes

Seasoned with lots of fresh basil and thyme. 

Fry first five in a pan until good and done.  

Spoon mixture into tortilla - drizzle w/ the balsamic and top with tomatoes. 

Looks like about 400 calories per roll.  I used leftovers for lettuce wraps :) 

Day one - Designed Fitness Programme

Life is theatre.  Comedy and Tragedy.

Yes. I have a very, very old phone.

My arms - this very minute - fall into the latter.  Solidly.  Or, more like "Jelly-ly"? :)
A coupe hours ago I followed the fitness program outlined in yesterday's post.

I started with a pair of 25lbs dumbbells and a pair of 15 pounders.  After the first circuit- doing each exercise for 12 reps, I changed the 15 to a 20#.

The bottom line is, by the time I was into my 4 and final circuit, my arms felt swollen.  I kept looking at my eyes to see if they went suddenly green, and I'd 'hulk' out.  Massive burn, very tight burn, too.  Not just sore.  Sorta funny - after, through my shirt, when i'd flex I could see little round peaks in my biceps.  I haven't had muscles there in years.  More than a decade.  Burning soreness and the feeling of swelling.  Those symptoms in other parts might require a visit to the doctor - the only real outcome of this VERY good arm/shoulder work out is...I was very hungry after.  I'm right at about 1000 calories so far today; shooting for 1800.  Might only get 1600...but that's fine.

Oh - after my work out with the weights I moved to the core strengthening.  Couldn't do it.  My abs are still torn-up from my fitness evaluation, thus I barely got through a couple sessions of those.

After the light ab work, I went to the bike and moderately pedaled my way through three miles.

Thanks, Erin.  What you designed caused me a lot of very wonderful pain.  I look forward to more.
:-)


Random Pic:  Boy in the red/dark blue shirt is yours-truly. :)  Probably age...7ish.

My fitness - the power of dogs, the internet, and caring strangers

Towards the end of 2011 I found a breed of dog remarkably like me in key ways - namely, the dog loved being close to people.

Fast forward to may of this year I brought my Vizsla, (Veesh-la, or Veezlah if you're european) from my home north of Detroit nearly 800 miles to just south of Boston, MA.  While there, I met folks previously unknown except from the Hungarian Vizsla Forums.    I had the fortune to speak with Erin - she's there in the photos from the walk contained in this post.

 I'll let you guess who is whom.   Anywho - Miss Erin.  Sweet woman - very kind, open and in remarkable physical shape.


While chatting, she mentioned her desire to work in the Fitness field.
Now, I have to tell you, Erin's boyfriend is really cut and built.  He's a great guy - engaging and personable.  After the walk, the group went for ice cream.  Because I was so worried how I'd look, as a fat guy, eating ice cream around fit people, I went with 'lemonade.'.  :(  Nobody there gave me that feeling - was only my insecurities.  Thanks to support from friends I made there - and the great support and welcome on to MyFitnessPal.com - I'm not that guy anymore.   I would still refrain from the ice cream, but this time it'd be for the right reasons.
After starting this blog I approached Erin about working with me - if it'd help her career goals.  She agreed enthusiastically and has since built for me a fitness program, gratis.

Here's tomorrow's agenda:

I fully expect to sorta hate Erin about 15 minutes into  this program.  However, if I stick to this, I know Erin will hold a special place in my heart for helping me change, effectively, the course of my life in many ways.    "Olga" from Day one is on my case in a great and wonderful way shot-gunning link after link about nutrition, and holding me accountable to do what I say I'm going to do.

So - maybe...just maybe with the support of friends, continued health by God, and dedication...I might get that beach body I want.   My genes probably tell me 'No'.  I think it's time I reached down, deep inside, and made my genes my bitch.  Tell them once and for all, "You work for ME".

Random Photo:
Me, Myrtle Beach SC, Circa...holy...uh..hrm...2004 or 2005.  About 215-220lbs. I'd guess.  Showing how tough I am...how rules don't matter to me...dumpin perfectly good 190 Octane from Fat Tuesday.

Fitness Evaluation today

Bottom line up front:

Height: 73"

Weight: 230

Waist - around belly button:  44

Hips - 45

BMI 30.8

body Fat 28.8%

Bench Press max: 160

Leg Press max: 618(!)

1min sit ups: 30

1min push ups: 15

Sit and Reach: 14.5"

 

Today I was measured as part of the fitness program with my employer.  I went through a series of tests to get a feel for where I am regarding fitness level.  Good news, I suppose, from the Fitness guy - he told me I'm in MUCH better shape than most of those he counsels and manages through the program.  That made my day.   He wasn't present for my leg-press.  When he read the number he said "We'll have to get you on 'that' machine" (he thought i did it on the nautilus - he was pointing to the rack which holds free weight plates). 

"That's what we used." I told him.  "Really? Nice job!" was his reply. 
Yes...that's me, there on the left.  Ugh.  Physically wince when I see that pic...when I'm face to face with me.  Not that its even particularly horrible - but my issues...ya know? :)

 

My goals are:

Drop body fat by 8%

Increase Bench Press to 225

1 Minute sit-up: 45

1 Minute Push Up: 35

 

Everything else will be what it will be six months from now. :)

 

 

Monday's wrap up

Increased my food today - feel sorta dirty about it...and not dirty in a 'hot' way.

I'm trusting what I know of science telling me to increase my food intake, vs my fears of 'just too much food!'.  I'll have work out days Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday this week.  Wednesday I'll have my work's fitness guy perform an assessment on me - body fats, measurements, push-ups, sit-ups, etc...by the end of the 6 months I have (on company time) to work out, they re-measure for progress.

Here's today's menu - 4 quarter-sized pieces of green tomatoes from the garden.

I cheated with the ice cream - I own that.  Still looking pretty good as far as keeping things low.  I indulged, but not to extreme.  Wonder what my next glass of red wine will do to the table! :)

So - I'm gonna pound a big glass of water + strawberry lemonade Mio - type - flavor - stuff...then get ready for my work week.

The past few days have brought with them untold amounts of encouragement and support.  Again, I can't thank you - the reader - enough for suffering through my moodiness...my Man-o-pause?  And, of course, to Al Gore for making all this possible  :p

Random Pic: I made this for my son a few years ago, after we found a dead bug on the front porch.  Living in L.A. at the time (Lower Alabama).