Now - understand this is NOT a 'please make me feel better' post. This is a 'window to darin's eff'd up mind' post. This is where I am - feeling inadquate in most ways. Feeling worthless.
I'm lost. I'm broken. I have no 'game'. I'm not fun. I'm not happy. I am completely self-absorbed with my disgust of my body.
While the kids played the carnival games and rode a few rides, I was constantly searching and scanning. I wasn't checkin out the ladies. I was checkin' out the guys - sort of. Every passing of a man about my age I judged my body against his. I thought to myself "Why the hell am I eating right now - that guy is in MUCH better shape than I - and HE isn't eating. What gives me the right to shove food in my cake hole?"
The longer I spent out in public the worse my attitude. I was agitated. I was annoyed. I felt disgusting.
Today at the gym - thanks to Miss Erin my arms are destroyed. I worked very hard. I wanted to quit at THREE circuits of my exercises - instead of four. I kept rationalizing "Darin - you're so burned right now...man, this is PLENTY...this is good enough!" With my thoughts of wussing out I shut my eyes and envisioned actually having an attractive body. I made my mind's eye replace my fat suit with a lean and muscular form. I struggled - heavily struggled to complete all four circuits. The final few reps brought laughter as I was absolutely spent. I gave everything today.
I said that to say - as good as I felt completing my tasks, every time I rested on a bench for a few seconds I caught glimpse of myself in a mirror across the room. Every time I saw myself I wanted to hide...throw up...cover my body. Who IS that fat guy over there? Oh...right...Me.
Should be a no-brainer...fat/un-fit people SHOULD be there. Right? I mean...Shouldn't I get some credit for working towards fitness? Everybody starts un-fit. This is a process, not an event! C'mon Darin...somewhere somebody probably even thinks you're sorta cute!
Big. Deal. I'm broken. I must and I will fix my body, my mind, and my 'heart'. As much as I want to quit today, I will keep going. I hate it. I hate most things about me. That's fine. that's good motivation to DO someething. I'm doing something. Not enough. But what I'm doing is all I have right now.
Random Photo: My children standing on a dock, over Cub Lake - central Michigan.
<3
ReplyDeleteabsolutely Love the picture.. and you sir are too hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteI guess it's all how you motivate yourself. My sister used to put all her fat pictures up around the house and insult them and she pushed herself to lose weight that way.
I on the other hand..the more Negative i THINK about myself or Say outloud to myself the uglier and fatter I become. Then, I feel like..I don't know how to explain it...it's just terrible, the ultimate low. But if I stay positive, and think to myself I am freakin beautiful and I can do this, and just some more work and I'll look even more amazing then I start to feel good. I have to remain positive, myself..
From the pictures I've seen of you, you are a good looking guy. I'm not trying to be all flirty or hit up on you, or be that Nice person who's trying to Boost your moral or whatever.. I'm being honest.
I'd date ya :) and I'm a very picky person..I'm also shallow, I don't date fatties *looks at self* even though I am one LOL
Seriously though, you are doing GREAT! Just be sure you go about this all the smart way and you'll get there, you totally will!
The truth is... we all feel that way to one degree or another. You are not alone, by far. You only have to look at the millions of people on MFP to know that. So, trust that it is a process and you are exactly where you should be right now... as am I apparently. : )
ReplyDeleteWishing you many blessings, Monica (monylove311)